Dealing with Drinking and Driving

Before going any further, let me say a few things. First off, if youve had more than a 6 pack, their is no reason your not buzzed enough to enjoy a nice sleep on the floor of an apartment or dorm rather than drive home. Trust me, its a long walk to the car and a pain in the ass to drive, its much more pleasent to stay in.

That said, occasionally we are left with little other option but to trudge home and try to get their via car. I dont do this often, but it happens. When it does, I do two things before anything else. I buckle up and light a cigarette. The seatbelt for obvious purposes, the cigarette to clear my head and mask the smell of alcohol I likely reek of.

Next up, I get on the road and check my rearview mirror for cops. If one is driving around, your actually better off because hes got somewhere to be or is looking for obvious suspects. Just drive about 3 mph over the speed limit and make it obvious you are smoking so he is more focused on your hand gestures than your erratic driving.

If you somehow manage to hit light traffic, just ease up and dont rush. Your in luck if the guy in front of you insists on driving 5 under because now youve got an excuse to be a shitty driver.

If a cop does pull you over, do two things. Toss the wallet under the passenger seat immediatly and let a cigarette burn in a cup or under your shoe. You can get rid of the smell tommorow, right now you need to be worried about avoiding jail.

Explain to the officer that you are of age, adding two years or more to your birthdate. Tell him your wallet was left at a party you decided to exit early because you were the designated driver and you had to drop your friends off on the way home.

If possible, explain to him you have work at "blue collar establishment" the next morning at 8am and you couldnt stay out late and party.

If he asks social security numbers, just say you honestly dont know it off hand but offer your address and phone number.

If the cop doesent let you go now, you should consider doing unspeakable acts that will haunt you for years because buddy, your going to jail.