Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Dealing with Drinking and Driving
Before going any further, let me say a few things. First off, if youve had more than a 6 pack, their is no reason your not buzzed enough to enjoy a nice sleep on the floor of an apartment or dorm rather than drive home. Trust me, its a long walk to the car and a pain in the ass to drive, its much more pleasent to stay in.
That said, occasionally we are left with little other option but to trudge home and try to get their via car. I dont do this often, but it happens. When it does, I do two things before anything else. I buckle up and light a cigarette. The seatbelt for obvious purposes, the cigarette to clear my head and mask the smell of alcohol I likely reek of.
Next up, I get on the road and check my rearview mirror for cops. If one is driving around, your actually better off because hes got somewhere to be or is looking for obvious suspects. Just drive about 3 mph over the speed limit and make it obvious you are smoking so he is more focused on your hand gestures than your erratic driving.
If you somehow manage to hit light traffic, just ease up and dont rush. Your in luck if the guy in front of you insists on driving 5 under because now youve got an excuse to be a shitty driver.
If a cop does pull you over, do two things. Toss the wallet under the passenger seat immediatly and let a cigarette burn in a cup or under your shoe. You can get rid of the smell tommorow, right now you need to be worried about avoiding jail.
Explain to the officer that you are of age, adding two years or more to your birthdate. Tell him your wallet was left at a party you decided to exit early because you were the designated driver and you had to drop your friends off on the way home.
If possible, explain to him you have work at "blue collar establishment" the next morning at 8am and you couldnt stay out late and party.
If he asks social security numbers, just say you honestly dont know it off hand but offer your address and phone number.
If the cop doesent let you go now, you should consider doing unspeakable acts that will haunt you for years because buddy, your going to jail.
That said, occasionally we are left with little other option but to trudge home and try to get their via car. I dont do this often, but it happens. When it does, I do two things before anything else. I buckle up and light a cigarette. The seatbelt for obvious purposes, the cigarette to clear my head and mask the smell of alcohol I likely reek of.
Next up, I get on the road and check my rearview mirror for cops. If one is driving around, your actually better off because hes got somewhere to be or is looking for obvious suspects. Just drive about 3 mph over the speed limit and make it obvious you are smoking so he is more focused on your hand gestures than your erratic driving.
If you somehow manage to hit light traffic, just ease up and dont rush. Your in luck if the guy in front of you insists on driving 5 under because now youve got an excuse to be a shitty driver.
If a cop does pull you over, do two things. Toss the wallet under the passenger seat immediatly and let a cigarette burn in a cup or under your shoe. You can get rid of the smell tommorow, right now you need to be worried about avoiding jail.
Explain to the officer that you are of age, adding two years or more to your birthdate. Tell him your wallet was left at a party you decided to exit early because you were the designated driver and you had to drop your friends off on the way home.
If possible, explain to him you have work at "blue collar establishment" the next morning at 8am and you couldnt stay out late and party.
If he asks social security numbers, just say you honestly dont know it off hand but offer your address and phone number.
If the cop doesent let you go now, you should consider doing unspeakable acts that will haunt you for years because buddy, your going to jail.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Ah, we are growing before your eyes. Now with the capability to post....PICTURES! Try not to be too excited. Working on an alcohol and cops piece for fellow college kids now. Going to be downright awesome.
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First Things First...
Lets get this out of the way before anything else. I have compiled a list of beers regularly enjoyed by college students. For each brand I will summarize its flavor and the affect it will have on your night.
1.Budweiser- Its the king. It has a gold fucking badge on its label. Its stronger than the other mainstreamers. You will likely get drunk and fight a woman or a homosexual at some point in the night if you consume 6 of these or more. Be warned. It is BEST when served colder than a witches tit. Thats when it becomes, the KING. More than anything else though, Budweiser is about getting good looking girls drunk and making ugly girls less ugly. The decieving notion that because it is related to Bud Light makes most people think the beers are relatively similar in strength and potency. Im here to tell you my friends that Budweiser is a heaven sent 5 percent alcohol content, nearly twice that of Bud Light. Prepare to enjoy the night.
2. Miller High Life- The personal favirote, a drink that has seen a lapse in consumption over the last decade. I will not let that continue. If you drink this your an older man who knows what he likes or a college kid who probably wears flannel. Either way your penis is likely 10 inches long. Drink a 6 of this and your suave as hell, not really drunk, but happily getting there. No hangovers. Excellent for beer pong.
3. Coors Light- Oh what a long and winding road I have traveled with you, Coors Light. From the backyard woods 3 years ago sneaking away from mom and dad to enjoy you with a crisp hot dog to the floor of a hotel lobby in Charleston last October when we decided to call it quits. Coors Light is for the few of us who can drink 12 or more beers in one sitting, than quickly move onto another 12. This drink never gets strong or bitter, but it also lacks in flavor. It is, however, the ultimate beer pong beer, without question.
4.Bud Light- You suck Bud Light. You taste bitter, you have very little alcohol content, and your too carbonated to drink easily in beer pong. Any other overrated piece of shit like you and I would have tossed them out the door months ago. But your crafty you son of a bitch. Crafty and wise. You made yourself so appealing to innoncent 18 year old girls that I have no choice but to include you in any endeavor involving my love life. Crafty bastard.
5.Miller Lite- is the definition of mediocrity. I dont love it, I dont hate it. I look at it and quickly move on. It is not overly cheap, but its really not expensive. Its commercials are hardly memorable like Bud or Bud Light. Yet my dad drinks you very often, and whenever im in the kitchen at home, I drink one or two or...if its Easter 7, of you and find myself saying, "Wow, I feel....nothing." The Miller Lite brand is your normal light beer strength wise (I have done some serious rock climbing in a stock Honda Passport while enjoying these beers at a national park) but it does have one thing none of the competition has, creaminess. I dont know if I like it or not, but the creamy texture of Miller Lite makes it an excellent substitute for High Life or Coors Light in beer pong.
6. Busch and Natural Light- Im going to throw in both Busch and Busch Light to this category because they taste the same. In terms of Busch, you get what you pay for, the very least amount of effort put into fine tuning this beer for a price even a homeless man can consider a bargain. It will do for beer pong but its not getting any middleweight, let alone a heavyweight, a good drunk that night. Natty light tastes similar, although IMO, a little worse. Once again, a very popular college beer because of the cheap prices, Natty Light nonetheless manages to have absolutely copied the flavor of tap water and put it in a can. That is brilliant, as it costs a lot less to can tap water than to brew a beer, but Im thinking sooner or later people will find out and get a little mad.
7. Michelob- This is the most boring beer in the world. Low in carbs, low in coolness in my book, and low in getting chicks drunk, let alone myself. Just bland. Its expensive too.
8. Yuengling- 4th of July. George Washington. The Liberty Bell. Boobs. These are all words I share very fond feelings for, and by no coincedence, they are words I associate with Yuengling. I love Yuengling even if it does toe the line of being too fancy for a college kid to regularly drink. Terrible for beer pong and relatively weak, Yuengling makes up for it in a kick like none other. Be prepared to hate it at first, before beginning a downward spiral as you fall in love with it and do unspeakable acts just to get a taste of it as a 50 year old man living under a bridge.
9. Corona- Boy, I feel like im forgetting a bundle, but like I said, I will only cover beer I regularly see at college parties and apartments/dorms. Anyways, Corona is expensive and light in alcohol content. It has no kick in it that masks the flat taste and it smells sort of bad. This all having been said, I think its safe to say cool people drink Corona. When I finally decided I was ready to become cool, I started going to parties with a bottle of Corona in my hand while wearing a Hawiaan shirt. Hey, youve got to give credit where credits deserved, Corona remains cool to this day, with or without any actual flavor.
10. Busch Ice/Milwaukees Best Ice- I lumped these 2 brands together because while they each have a distinct characterisitic, the bottom line is that both will likely leave you in a coma at some point in your life. Busch Ice is the most rugged of the bunch. You should seriously just consider doing cracked cocaine if you drink this regularly, at least you wont have the hangover. Tasting sickeningly sweet for a beer, Busch Ice is like drinking soup made of poison and urine. I drank a 12 pack in about 2 hours tailgating after a basketball game than headed over to a party nearby. Within moments I puked everywhere. This was followed by me stumbling into the party, puking off the deck, playing beer pong, going to the car, passing out, and winding up at home at noon the next day. Milwaukees best is exactly the same story, just throwing in a bizarre situation where it tastes good between the 4th and 7th beer....Odd I know.
11. PBR- PBR is cheap. PBR tastes good. PBR has a sorta high alcohol content but is remarkably drinkable. PBR is also very raw. PBR will give you a hangover. PBR will make you convinced your dying the next morning. PBR is not to be consumed under any circumstance.
12. Blue Moon- The absolute nicest beer I will consider before calling it a rich mans brew, Blue Moon is a heavenly beverage that must be taken seriously. Notice the splash of cream at the bottom of every bottle, luring you to open it and consume. You cant say no, you just cant. Blue Moon is not good for beer pong because it is a bit too rich and will taste like cheescake...for like 20 minutes at least. Nobody wants to consume cheescake 10 times every 15 minutes. Save it for when your by your lonesome with a steak and staring at the sky...or at least some hot chicks while sitting in your 87 Ford Escort wearing stalker shades and a smirk on your face. Either will do.
1.Budweiser- Its the king. It has a gold fucking badge on its label. Its stronger than the other mainstreamers. You will likely get drunk and fight a woman or a homosexual at some point in the night if you consume 6 of these or more. Be warned. It is BEST when served colder than a witches tit. Thats when it becomes, the KING. More than anything else though, Budweiser is about getting good looking girls drunk and making ugly girls less ugly. The decieving notion that because it is related to Bud Light makes most people think the beers are relatively similar in strength and potency. Im here to tell you my friends that Budweiser is a heaven sent 5 percent alcohol content, nearly twice that of Bud Light. Prepare to enjoy the night.
2. Miller High Life- The personal favirote, a drink that has seen a lapse in consumption over the last decade. I will not let that continue. If you drink this your an older man who knows what he likes or a college kid who probably wears flannel. Either way your penis is likely 10 inches long. Drink a 6 of this and your suave as hell, not really drunk, but happily getting there. No hangovers. Excellent for beer pong.
3. Coors Light- Oh what a long and winding road I have traveled with you, Coors Light. From the backyard woods 3 years ago sneaking away from mom and dad to enjoy you with a crisp hot dog to the floor of a hotel lobby in Charleston last October when we decided to call it quits. Coors Light is for the few of us who can drink 12 or more beers in one sitting, than quickly move onto another 12. This drink never gets strong or bitter, but it also lacks in flavor. It is, however, the ultimate beer pong beer, without question.
4.Bud Light- You suck Bud Light. You taste bitter, you have very little alcohol content, and your too carbonated to drink easily in beer pong. Any other overrated piece of shit like you and I would have tossed them out the door months ago. But your crafty you son of a bitch. Crafty and wise. You made yourself so appealing to innoncent 18 year old girls that I have no choice but to include you in any endeavor involving my love life. Crafty bastard.
5.Miller Lite- is the definition of mediocrity. I dont love it, I dont hate it. I look at it and quickly move on. It is not overly cheap, but its really not expensive. Its commercials are hardly memorable like Bud or Bud Light. Yet my dad drinks you very often, and whenever im in the kitchen at home, I drink one or two or...if its Easter 7, of you and find myself saying, "Wow, I feel....nothing." The Miller Lite brand is your normal light beer strength wise (I have done some serious rock climbing in a stock Honda Passport while enjoying these beers at a national park) but it does have one thing none of the competition has, creaminess. I dont know if I like it or not, but the creamy texture of Miller Lite makes it an excellent substitute for High Life or Coors Light in beer pong.
6. Busch and Natural Light- Im going to throw in both Busch and Busch Light to this category because they taste the same. In terms of Busch, you get what you pay for, the very least amount of effort put into fine tuning this beer for a price even a homeless man can consider a bargain. It will do for beer pong but its not getting any middleweight, let alone a heavyweight, a good drunk that night. Natty light tastes similar, although IMO, a little worse. Once again, a very popular college beer because of the cheap prices, Natty Light nonetheless manages to have absolutely copied the flavor of tap water and put it in a can. That is brilliant, as it costs a lot less to can tap water than to brew a beer, but Im thinking sooner or later people will find out and get a little mad.
7. Michelob- This is the most boring beer in the world. Low in carbs, low in coolness in my book, and low in getting chicks drunk, let alone myself. Just bland. Its expensive too.
8. Yuengling- 4th of July. George Washington. The Liberty Bell. Boobs. These are all words I share very fond feelings for, and by no coincedence, they are words I associate with Yuengling. I love Yuengling even if it does toe the line of being too fancy for a college kid to regularly drink. Terrible for beer pong and relatively weak, Yuengling makes up for it in a kick like none other. Be prepared to hate it at first, before beginning a downward spiral as you fall in love with it and do unspeakable acts just to get a taste of it as a 50 year old man living under a bridge.
9. Corona- Boy, I feel like im forgetting a bundle, but like I said, I will only cover beer I regularly see at college parties and apartments/dorms. Anyways, Corona is expensive and light in alcohol content. It has no kick in it that masks the flat taste and it smells sort of bad. This all having been said, I think its safe to say cool people drink Corona. When I finally decided I was ready to become cool, I started going to parties with a bottle of Corona in my hand while wearing a Hawiaan shirt. Hey, youve got to give credit where credits deserved, Corona remains cool to this day, with or without any actual flavor.
10. Busch Ice/Milwaukees Best Ice- I lumped these 2 brands together because while they each have a distinct characterisitic, the bottom line is that both will likely leave you in a coma at some point in your life. Busch Ice is the most rugged of the bunch. You should seriously just consider doing cracked cocaine if you drink this regularly, at least you wont have the hangover. Tasting sickeningly sweet for a beer, Busch Ice is like drinking soup made of poison and urine. I drank a 12 pack in about 2 hours tailgating after a basketball game than headed over to a party nearby. Within moments I puked everywhere. This was followed by me stumbling into the party, puking off the deck, playing beer pong, going to the car, passing out, and winding up at home at noon the next day. Milwaukees best is exactly the same story, just throwing in a bizarre situation where it tastes good between the 4th and 7th beer....Odd I know.
11. PBR- PBR is cheap. PBR tastes good. PBR has a sorta high alcohol content but is remarkably drinkable. PBR is also very raw. PBR will give you a hangover. PBR will make you convinced your dying the next morning. PBR is not to be consumed under any circumstance.
12. Blue Moon- The absolute nicest beer I will consider before calling it a rich mans brew, Blue Moon is a heavenly beverage that must be taken seriously. Notice the splash of cream at the bottom of every bottle, luring you to open it and consume. You cant say no, you just cant. Blue Moon is not good for beer pong because it is a bit too rich and will taste like cheescake...for like 20 minutes at least. Nobody wants to consume cheescake 10 times every 15 minutes. Save it for when your by your lonesome with a steak and staring at the sky...or at least some hot chicks while sitting in your 87 Ford Escort wearing stalker shades and a smirk on your face. Either will do.
Mmm Refreshing!
My names Brian. I like beer. Im not 21, but than again, most 19 year olds would happen to agree. So far, in college, ive found that most students happen to agree with me that beer is a lifestyle, not a beverage. Unfortunately, we are all busy enjoying this gift from god instead of blogging about it. Ive decided I will find time in my busy schedule of not attending class and creepily staring down hot chicks walking by while listening to the Police in my car and nursing a 40 of OE. I will push all of that aside and dedicate an hour of my day to covering the world of beer for young people like myself.
But Brian, arent there like 30 other sites that cover beer?
-Yes, sir/man, their certainly are other sites out there. Sadly, those sites cover microbrews and pub ales that no one under the age of 40 regularly drinks in the United States. Lets be honest, most everyone in college drinks a domestic brew more often than any other. Yet, their is no site dedicated to covering the partnership between these fine drnks and the people who enjoy them. Thats why im here. I drink, I play beer pong, I rule at quarters, and in all honesty, I like sipping High Life under a tree alone some nights...because im edgy and badass. Anyways, Im know where you guys are coming from when you get questions like "Can I die from drinking week old beer thats been left open?" and "What makes fat chicks skinnier, Coors Light or Budweiser?". Im working hard to find these answers and more.
But Brian, why should we keep coming to this blog?
-I update everyday. I respond to emails and comments as often as possible (once a year...I jest). I have first hand experience of the law and alcohol and im sure I could guide you in the right direction. More than anything else though, come to my blog because I am a terrrrrrrible role model. I advocate taunting kids who dress emo, ghetto, or anything not based around flannel. I will literally kick you in the shins if you use the word crunk around me. I think drinking and driving is a terrible alternative, but I also realize its a legitimate possibility we should prepare for. I dont care if your underage, I firmly believe dogs and children, let alone teenagers can enjoy beer if they please.
But Brian, arent you kinda lame for taking the time to do all this?
-Go to hell you bitch. Im done answering personal questions.
But Brian, arent there like 30 other sites that cover beer?
-Yes, sir/man, their certainly are other sites out there. Sadly, those sites cover microbrews and pub ales that no one under the age of 40 regularly drinks in the United States. Lets be honest, most everyone in college drinks a domestic brew more often than any other. Yet, their is no site dedicated to covering the partnership between these fine drnks and the people who enjoy them. Thats why im here. I drink, I play beer pong, I rule at quarters, and in all honesty, I like sipping High Life under a tree alone some nights...because im edgy and badass. Anyways, Im know where you guys are coming from when you get questions like "Can I die from drinking week old beer thats been left open?" and "What makes fat chicks skinnier, Coors Light or Budweiser?". Im working hard to find these answers and more.
But Brian, why should we keep coming to this blog?
-I update everyday. I respond to emails and comments as often as possible (once a year...I jest). I have first hand experience of the law and alcohol and im sure I could guide you in the right direction. More than anything else though, come to my blog because I am a terrrrrrrible role model. I advocate taunting kids who dress emo, ghetto, or anything not based around flannel. I will literally kick you in the shins if you use the word crunk around me. I think drinking and driving is a terrible alternative, but I also realize its a legitimate possibility we should prepare for. I dont care if your underage, I firmly believe dogs and children, let alone teenagers can enjoy beer if they please.
But Brian, arent you kinda lame for taking the time to do all this?
-Go to hell you bitch. Im done answering personal questions.
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